Saturday, August 01, 2009

An open letter to the delightful peoples at my workplace


Dear Staff of [Workplace Removed],

Given the recent state of some of the toilets in this establishment, I felt it might be prudent to illustrate one of the more fundamental decencies you should consider undertaking whilst using these facilities:
  1. Flush the toilet. Ensure that all your waste has disappeared.
That's it! No really. You don't have an excuse for not knowing this. Even if your mother was a massive alcoholic, you should be aware of what the little metal handle does. Really, I don't care If your whole family were constantly leasing their genitalia in exchange for hard narcotics, it is utterly inexcusable to be ignorant of the phrase "flushing the toilet".
If the toilet has failed to clear after your first attempt at flushing, then here are some other ideas:
  1. Multiple flushes! Hey, there's an idea! Yeah, you might have to wait around for a while to ensure that whatever disugsting mess you've created has well and truly been swallowed up by the sewage system, but at least you can return to your desk safe in the knowledge that you're not an absolute disease of a person.
  2. If this still isn't working for you, why not cut back on the toilet paper? A whole tree isn't generally necessary. Even if you happen to be wider than you are tall, you don't have to strip that roll bare!
  3. You can also try "flushing" the waste before you clean-up, which is commonly known as a 'courtesy flush'. A 'Courtesy' is a polite speech or action, especially one required by convention.
  4. If none of the above is working for you, perhaps it's time to consider a change in diet? The British plumbing system is really very flexible with what it will accept. We shouldn't expect any more of it, that would be asking too much. I'm afraid the extra bit of effort is going to have to come from your end.
Thank you for listening. Hopefully a few of you will act upon the kind advice in this open letter, and I look forward to cleaner and more hygienic toilets in the near future.

Absolute disgrace. I'm sure the womens' is fine though.

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